Wednesday

[beer] EBT: Joe's Garage

It’s been a while since I’ve done any sort of Extreme Beer Tasting. Does that mean I’ve not been tasting beer? Laughably, no.


1. Circus Boy

This is Magic Hat’s Hefeweizen. I like Hefeweizen. UFO? Gimme. Sam Adam’s Hefeweizen? Lemme at it. How does this one compare? Let me take the first sip- Tastes like an ale. I don’t taste the Heffieness about it. The bottle says “Unfiltered and Unfettered. Circus Boy is cloudy by nature, like Burlington, VT itself. Rouse gently to release full flavor.” Let’s ignore the fact that calling Burlington cloudy is going to keep the tourists away (maybe that’s the plan), but ‘rouse’? ‘Rouse’? As in ‘wake up’? Oh I see, there’s a layer of sediment at the bottom of the bottle. So should I have shaken the bottle and then opened it? Is the whole idea of beer a joke to these Magic Hat people? Let me try putting the bottle to my lips and gently tilting it up and down a few times.

Yeah, that didn’t work. Not only did I look like a beer guzzling whore to all my neighbors, but now everything within a 3-foot radius of me is covered in a fine mist of Circus Boy. Let me try to pour most of it into a glass, swirl the remainder in the bottle to release the sediment (which I don’t know why I want so bad but I suspect is the missing Heffer-wizened flavor) and pour that into the glass. Okay, that worked. Now my beer looks like apple cider (they weren’t kidding when they said cloudy). But it still tastes the same.

At the top of the bottle it says “The ancient ritual of brewing a distinctly rich and flavorful beer is nothing short of magic. Our mysterious mix of time-honored ingredients, chaotic chemistry, humble patience, and blind faith age into the secret brew we share in the rousing company of good spirits.” Wait- what? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I got wasted half way through reading it.

Cap Says: “Gus loves it.” Loves what is the pertinent question, I think.

The best part of this beer is the label- it’s yellow with a blue-curtained, old tyme circus car. Off to the side, yet within the circus car is a shadow. With white eyes. And a creepy three-fingered, claw-like hand gripping the last “y” in “Circus Boy”. That’s some creepy ass shit right there, son. He’s got- Why is he in the cage? Is he a freak? What kind of freak? Is he not in a shadow at all; is he literally black as night with white eyes (and grey under-eye circles)? I think he’s got white claws for toenails, too. There are these four white claws gripping the lip of the cart. Hello, nightmares. The only way this could be any more frightening is if the eyes were looking right at me. And if he had horns. And maybe a bloody mouth with fangs. Okay this could be a lot scarier. … I don’t know. The cart says “The Hefeweizen!” Maybe that’s who he is. Maybe he’s a hefeweizen thingie.

EBT Rating: 5 (out of 10) circus freaks.

2. H.I.P.A.
Hippie IPA? Happy IPA? Hoppy IPA? I don’t know, it doesn’t say anywhere on the bottle. It’s got a trippy picture on the label, though. A pretty woman with a big blue bubbley head of hair. With rings around it. She kind of reminds me of a Milo Minera chick.

Yup, tastes like beer. A bit bitter. Let me pour it into the glass I was just using. Fairly light. Not as light as a lager, not as dark as a red ale. Nice and amber. Amber. I wonder if that’s what the chick’s name is. She looks like an Amber. Ssssslut. I don’t generally like IPAs and this one isn’t changing my mind.

Cap says: Buy your Gal Growlers with her Flowers. Does anyone else think that that doesn’t really rhyme? Shouldn’t it say “Buy her growlers with her frowlers?” “Buy her beer, you’re in the clear.” “Get her wasted and she’ll have sex with you.”

This beer isn’t going down as easy as the first one. Must be because it’s the second one. Or maybe because it tastes like papercuts! No, like metal and socks. Wait- I don’t know, that sip tasted pretty good. It tastes like… Bleh, you know I just don’t really like IPAs. But the picture on this bottle looks really pretty.

Hey, did you know that the initials for the months of July through November spell out Jason? I can see the initials for all the months on the back of the bottle (for freshness nothchings) and July, August, September, October and November looks like JASON. Do you think that’s where the name came from? How interesting. And February through May looks like FMAM. Which probably doesn’t make as much sense. So nevermind. Huh… Two M’s, two A’s, two- no, three J’s. One F, O, N and D. Fond. I feel like I’m getting a message here. Do you ever do that? Count the letters in words? I do it all the time when I’m in the bathroom at work and need something to read. I’ll count the letters on the box of toilet-seat-covering tissues. “TO ONSERT ONE BOX, PLACE UP AND DOWN ON THE SPIKES.” Six O’s, three S’s, etc.

But I digress.

Is it normal to be this wasted after almost two beers? Probably if you drank them as fast as I did. But whoa man. Magic Hat beer fucks you up.

Jesus, I can’t wait for this beer to be over. (Notice how I’m still drinking it even though I hate it? Waste not, want not.)

EBT Rating: ***-------. Tasted better the more I drank, but that’s probably because beer tends to do that.

3. Magic Hat #9

I reviewed this beer already, it just came with the variety pack and I want to cleanse my palate before being subjected to the mystery beer. I love me some Magic Hat #9.

Cap says: Enjoy a 9 when you Dine. Well well well, isn’t Magic Hat promoting responsible drinking. [siiiip] Ahhhh, the beer is so good, why ruin it with food?

[NOTE: This is when I passed out. To be continued…]

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