[amy] Candy Lust

Happy [post] Halloween. Did you dress up? My costume consisted solely of a fake moustache. Which fell off after 4 minutes, so that was that. I did get some early trick-or-treaters this year. I should have known that the kids banging on my front door even before it was dark out would be the “greedy little bastards” of the bunch. It was the first group of kids for the evening and I opened the door, holding a bucket of candy, trying to seem interested…

“Oh ho, little… people. Now who are you supposed to- Oh. Hey. Ha ha, all right, come on now- it’s- um… all right. Bye, ha ha.”

The little brats didn’t want to chit chat; they reached into my bucket, started grabbing the candy themselves and putting it into their pillowcases. What the fuck? Serves me right for holding the bucket at thigh level, I guess. But then later I thought about how much easier it would be to let the kids take whatever candy they want, thereby freeing up a hand to hold a drink. In fact, I could just leave the bucket on the stoop and watch a horror movie.

What’s interesting is that this is the first time I’ve ever had to deal with door-to-door candy beggars. I’ve always lived up on a hill no child would ever want to trek up and was really looking forward to the experience. Here are some highlights:

CHILD: Trick or peace.
AMY: Trick or… peace? Ha, well isn’t that nice of you, little… velvet girl.
PARENT: She’s a hippy!
AMY: Whatever. Here’s a Kit Kat, get off my property.

CHILD: Trick or treat!
AMY: Aren’t you a cute little butterfly.
PARENT: She’s not a butterfly!
AMY: Faerie! I’m sorry, of course you’re a faerie. What was I thinking? Now take your candy and beat it.

CHILD 1: Trishm rrr teeee! [Voice muffled by mask]
AMY: Well! Ha! Look at you… And you’re supposed to be…
CHILD 1: Ahm in ol mah.
AMY: A- a what?
CHILD 1: Ol mah. OL MAH!
AMY: Old man! Okay, old man… Well aren’t you a… old man. Here’s some M&M’s and fuck off.
CHILD 2: [Stepping up to the door]
AMY: I can’t even begin to guess what you are. Here’s your candy, now scram before I get in my car and run all you little shits over.

All in all, it was a pretty good night. I wouldn’t have minded more trick or treaters.


I'm a stingy bitch. I asked someone at work how much candy they hand out and she said, "I usually give each kid three different pieces." Oh. No wonder I was getting all kinds of dirty looks when I handed out one piece each. I would hold the little candy by the corner of the wrapper, drop it into their bucket like I was dropping a turd and I would smile down at them like I was Mother Teresa. My only excuse was that this was my first year giving out candy. Next year I'll give out fist-fulls.

But this explains how the kids had so much freaking candy in their buckets. I would look down and think, "Jesus, kid. There aren't that many house in town..."


Anonymous said...

What I find funniest is that at first blush, one would be inclined to think, "Oh my God! This young woman should never be allowed to have children of her own."
Yet I know that once you do have your own brood, you're going to be the most saccarine doting mom on the face of the planet, and I will never I mean EVER let you live that down.

amy said...

You think so, ha ha. Well, I'm saving all that "saccarine" up for when I get a cat. Or cats.

If and when I do have children, it's just going to be so that I can have little helpers. "Go make mommy a martini, love. You know how to make mommy's martinis. Fix youself some supper while you're in there, too."