Oh my god. I’m crazy.

Yeah, I’m crazy and it’s no longer the funny-ha-ha crazy. It’s the oh-shit, I-scare-myself crazy. You know how you can get infatuated with someone you’ve never met? For example, I’m crazy-in-love with Henry Rollins but I realize things would never work out between us. I would always be much more in love with him than he was with me, which would make for a terribly one-sided relationship. Example of a probable conversation:

Henry: Are you hungry?

Amy: Why? Are you hungry? You want me to cook you something? I can cook you something. What do you want? I have steaks and chicken in the fridge. I can run out and get you something, if you’d like-

Henry: No, just… forget about it. I’ll find something myself…

So I accept that. It’s just too bad when you fall into mild and sporadic obsession with someone on the web because they seem more attainable. Everyone’s got a blog and everyone pops up here and there at different on-line publications, so you start to feel like you know them. You both would make, like, the most perfect couple (if only he didn’t live in another country). He’s witty and up on current events and, even though there’s no way to be sure because you’ve never seen a picture of him, most likely in possession of dashingly good looks.

Then you read about a reference he makes to someone of the opposite sex and you’re suddenly SURE that he’s been in a serious relationship for the past two years but never mentioned it before. Then you’re pounding out an angry email:

Dear Bastard,

Fuck you and your WHORE girlfriend/lover/whatever.

I hope you drown in dog shit,

Before clicking “send,” you do a little more research in hopes of finding more things to tell him off about. Since you’re ending a relationship that he had no idea existed in the first place, you might as well go for the gold. Eventually you find the nugget of truth: he was referring to his neighbor’s six-year-old daughter. That’s right. And you’re a total psycho that needs to check herself into a mental hospital. You are a sick, sick girl. Sick and crazy and not living in reality. And you have anger issues.

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