Wednesday

[books] The Craptastic Awards!

Anyone notice how the show Stargate is ALWAYS on the Sci-Fi channel? Well, take the idea of having a magical gate but when you walk through it, you change gender. Behold! The Sex Gate series!

The Sex Gates
Change your sex; change your life! One day thousand of gates suddenly and mysteriously appear on Earth. No one knows where they are from. Some think it's an alien invasion. Others credit God. When the old and the sick go through these gates, they become young again and their illnesses disappear. But there problems. Not everyone makes it through the first time. Some people simply disappear. When you go through a gate, your sex changes -- and no one can go back through the gate a second time. Everyone who tries disappears. When Don accidentally falls through a gate and becomes Donna, he and his friends face a life-changing adventure, for THE SEX GATES are more than they seem to be.


What's that male version of "Amy"? Let's see, my name means 'beloved' and the male name for 'beloved' is "David." I'd be David if I passes through these stupid, lame-idea, not-ever-happening gates. Well.

There are more shitty books by the same author:

Destiny Earth
When shapeshifter Etaoine S'henhess is chosen as the God's Mate, she never dreams that the sexual ritual will change her life forever. While her people watch, waves of desire that sweep her into a trance state where she sees a blue-green planet and hears a command from the goddess: Follow the path of your destiny. Then the face of a man fills her vision. He is not of her race, but his burning amber eyes look into her soul. Lovemate! To reach this man of her vision, Etaoine must steal a starship and venture out into the forbidden stars. But when she finds him, will he accept the sexual passions that drive a shapeshifter?


This book sounds like it's got everything: creepy voyeuristic rituals, heresy, stealing, lovemates. I don't see why I wouldn't want to read it. Oh yeah, it sounds really shitty. I forgot.

But wait, there's more!

Loverboy
In the future...

Marriage is consummated in front of a preacher, friends and family. It is a world where sex slaves, sex drugs and prostitution are carefully monitored and legal. A world where today's traditional values are frowned upon....

When Sex Squad Detective Sky O'Kelley tells her fellow co-worker/fiancé she wants to follow an old tradition of saving her virginity until their wedding night, he dumps her. Angry and hurt at his rejection, Sky undertakes a dangerous assignment. She must go undercover with her ex-fiancé to find out if Loverboy is training sex slaves without the government's permission and to search for their boss's daughter, a woman rumored to be in Loverboy's Sex Slave Course. Caution: Graphic Sex and some coarse language. May not be suitable for sensitive readers.


This sounds so bad, I almost want to get it. Almost.




Winner of the Craptastic with Statutory Rape Undertones Award:
This is just a picture of some guy's hand coming into "Full Contact" with some teenage girl's ass. Totally sick and probably grounds for arrest.

Winner of the Craptastic with Incestuous Undertones Award:
"It's All Relative"?!?! Are these two related? Brother and sister pretending to be Adam and Eve, standing naked in a field, pinching each other's behinds? As if that isn't bad enough, the cover has got to be some of the crappiest CGI I've ever seen in my life.

Winner of the Craptastic with Missing Feet Award:
I suppose if you run around in a black leather bra and panty set in your dreams, this might be the guy you'd want. Personally, his head looks a wee bit too small and those pants... Why is he wearing them so high around his waist? This is truely crapalicious.

Winner of the Craptastic with Sex in a Public Place Award:
So wrong.

Winner of the Cat & Tiny Random Gun Category:

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