Monday

[amy] Can't everyone just leave me alone?

I'm sitting on the couch, knitting, when my storm door opens and I hear a knock knock knocking on my front door. I open it to see a girl, no more than 18-years-old, in a denim jacket and tan pants smiling up at me.

AMY: Hello?

GIRL: Hi. I'm here with Kirby vacuums- "Quality is best when you use Kirby."

AMY: ...

GIRL: You've never heard of that?

AMY: No.

GIRL: Well, we're here giving free home demonstrations of our Ultimate G Series Diamond Edition. We have a 5 hour drive back to New York City and we get twenty-five dollars for every demo we give. May we come in and clean for you?

AMY: Oh... No, thank you. That's okay.

GIRL: Please?

AMY: Uhhhh... I don't think so. My place is really messy and-

GIRL: Oh, that's okay, we've seen worse. It'll take no time. We clean your rugs and-

AMY: Hang on there, kiddo. I don't have any rugs.

GIRL: [trying to look around me] Not even any area rugs?

AMY: No. It's all wood.

GIRL: ... That's okay. We'll clean the floors. Please. We get twenty-five dollars for every demo we give.

AMY: Look, I'm sorry but I don't want-

GIRL: PLEASE! We-

AMY: HEY!

GIRL: ...

AMY: I was just going to walk up to my sister's and-

GIRL: This won't take long!

AMY: No! I know what this is! I know what you're doing! You think I was born yesterday?

Girl: No.

AMY: You come into MY place, take a look around, see if there's anything worth STEALING and then you go back to New York City and two weeks from now, my place is mysteriously robbed!

GIRL: ...

AMY: You say, "Oh, she's got- she's got- an iPod or whatever and a flat screen t.v.-"

GIRL: You have a flat screen t.v.?

AMY: No. I just made that up. Whatever, the point is: I don't what YOU coming into MY place TO-DAY. [using sign language] O-KAY?

GIRL: Okaythankyouforyourtime. [leaves]

* * *

The most bizarre thing about this whole meeting is that she kept on saying "we have a long drive" and "we get paid twenty-five dollars". Each time she said "we", she would look over at my drive way, presumably looking at a vehicle full of other carpet cleaners. After she left my door, I looked out the window and there was NO ONE parked in my driveway. She walked off on foot to beg at more homes along my street but... What the fuck? Who was she looking at? Who was this "we"?

I'm scared...

3 comments:

AllySkelly said...

Seriously is this for real? My neighbor said she was just visited by a Kirby salesperson and now I'm nervous for her and for me!

oMaT said...

Just to note, I sold Kirby vacuums for about a month some five years ago. I can say right off the bat that it SUCKS. Secondly, anyone doing it is choosing to be there so you should feel no guilt. It isn't a ploy to rob you - Kirby vacuums aren't sold in stores and only via door-to-door sales people. When she was looking back at your driveway, it was presumably at the Van which did indeed likely contain 5 or 6 other potential Kirby Stars. They drive around and the Van leader drops one off at a home that looks like a candidate. The leader drives away to drop more people off while the loner is left to approach the door. In teh event of a potential sale, the loner must call the leader to come in and Close The Deal. The whole process sucks. In a month I made $25. A vacuum salesman I'm not.

amy said...

I see... So, the van was simply circling the block... But seriously, she should have left me alone after I said I don't have any rugs in my place. All I need is a broom and a mop.