Wednesday

[amy] Hair Dryers

I got a new hair dryer. Or rather, replaced the one I had had for only one week before it broke when I dropped it. Shit just isn’t built to last anymore. I went to K-mart after 7pm, knowing that there wouldn’t be that many people there. I picked out a new (different brand of) hair dryer and decided to wander around.

I looked at all the Christmas stuff, imagining how I’d be wrapping gifts this year. I usually bounce back and forth between Martha Stewart-ish packages in shiny paper, smooth flat ribbons, bows, pretty tags, etc etc etc. With this method, it takes about 20 minutes to wrap one toothbrush. Conversely, there’s the hasty, last-minute book wrapped in paper towels tied up with shoelaces. How ghetto is that? I also perused the Christmas cards, not finding anything I’d want to send out to people. In the end, I picked out a few other things I needed and checked out. I swear, only I can go into the big K-fart, choose SIX things and have the total come to fifty bucks. FIFTY BUCKS.

At home, I gave myself a spa treatment (I got these exfoliating shower mittens that have no thumbs- so they're basically like socks you wear on your hands- and after having them on for two minutes, I realized how much I love/need my thumbs), read a couple reports for work, wound two skeins of yarn into balls and read the instructions to my new super 5 x Ion far-infrared Remington mega-magical hair dryer.

I learned that I’ve never once dried my hair properly in my life. I’ve been doing it all wrong! It’s a highly scientific process involving various heat and speed settings depending upon what style you’re aiming towards and what your hair type is. Don’t even get me started on that cool shot button, it’s too complicated. After carefully reading the WARNING! Safety Instructions! I found out that I should not operate the hair dryer while sleeping. I don’t know why I’d want to dry my hair while I was asleep but this has to be the most obvious safety instruction I’ve ever read in my life. I mean, you can add this warning to anything:

Car: Do not drive while sleeping!

Knives: Do not chop while sleeping!

Frozen Dinners: Do not eat while sleeping!

Clearly, the only thing you should be doing while sleeping is dreaming. Duh.

But this reminds me, I had this dream last night about being trapped under the ocean with a bunch of other people and we couldn’t leave this one place because this shark was going to kill us, but it turned out to be a robotic shark with a sinister man and woman inside it (who wanted to kill us) because they were looking for a big, uncut diamond (which someone in my group had)… It went further from there but involved everyone back on land, dressed clothing from the 1920’s, trying to prevent a forest fire.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey, ghetto works just fine, thank you very much! And the shmucks STILL feel like they're getting/doing something by ripping paper open.
Christmas is such a farce, leave it to Americans to make such a big celebration out of a massacre. But it's OK as long as a I buy something for everyone. F-CK THAT!
-Sully's rant for the day, Peace

amy said...

Why are you so mean? I think someone needs to get into the holiday spirit! Who needs a hug? Huh? Who needs a widdle Chwistmas spirwit? Granted, Jesus is the reason for the season and, unfortunately, the whole thing has gotten warping into a massive consumer event, but... Isn't it fun just to give presents? And isn't it even better to get presents? I love getting presents. I love it more than ice cream.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I like presents. I like giving them and receiving them. But especially if you believe that Christmas is about Jesus' birth (not really true in the slightest, but if you want to go that way, fine) - then I have no problem with the exchange of austere, nice, warm and fuzzy little rememberances - here's a cake I made, look at these great socks I got you, whatever. But when my cousins are getting their kids 18 foot Laser sailboats or 1500-dollar entertainment sets, fuck that. And I know it isn't just them, lots of people go that far overboard. Jesus doesn't have the first thing to do with that. Wal-Mart and GE does.
I would much prefer for a present people actually pay attention to the message that the Man Himself sent along and stop killing each other (very often in his name) for starters. Then maybe we could even move on to the whole love thy neighbor message by Easter time. Yeah, Sully

amy said...

The thing about Christmas is that all the fun is sucked out of it. I like it because it a time of happiness and love and... presents. But thoughts like "I have to send out my Christmas cards" and "I have to think of something to get my mother, but what am I going to get her because she totally has everything and she says she doesn't want anything and the thing I was going to get her she already bought for herself and I'm totally starting to freak out" and "How am I going to get all this fucking knitting done in time" creep into you back of your mind, thus making you crabby. I mean seriously, could I please have chosen a finer gauge to knit with? It's like I'm using dental floss here... There's no way I'm going to finish this in time... I'm freaking out! I'm totally freaking out!

What were we talking about? Oh yeah. This one girl I grew up with, her family would always bake a birthday cake (for Jesus) every year on Christmas. I always thought that was a really nice idea.

amy said...

Regardless, we're losing focus here. You should be in an uproar about the "Do not operate while sleeping" thing. I mean, duh. Right? Double duh times infinity. I can't stand it when I'm talked down to like that.

Anonymous said...

That's OK, I'm not sure if it was through your site, or the netscape login one, but there was a collection of unusual warning labels. One of the worst went on microwaves and indicated: "Not intended for hairdrying use". I mean come on. If someone is twistedly stupid enough to stick their hair in a microwave, I say let 'em roast. That is definately one for Darwin, someone that hapless is better off dead and not wasting the air for the rest of us.
Besides how the hell/ what the hell can you do in your sleep anyway? You can't DO anything because either you're totally sleeping or not, I think it's a total surd anyway and that's probably why I didn't answer it. And again, if some thick person does this in their sleep i.e. drying their hair and it catches fire, let 'em burn.
It would probably be funnier if I didn't actually know people who leave on their dryer when they sleep, but I do. Even more wacked than that... it's a sex thing and I shit you not about that. God, I say we just wipe out the whole species and start over again. Sully