Sunday

[tech] DSL

I’m setting up DSL at home. Soon I’ll be on the internet superhighway. I’ve been living without network or cable tv (forget about TiVo- what’s that?), caller ID and internet for too long. Deciding that I finally need to be connected to digital garbage 24/7, I ordered up a DSL kit.

How easy the set-up is! A mailman throws the box on your lawn and, after opening the crushed box, you learn that you don’t even need to read anything! A piece of cardboard informs you that all you need to do is put in the CD-ROM disk to aquire instructions on what to do.

In goes the CD. I’m told to check the volume. It’s on. I click Next. A young man’s voice appears, welcoming me and telling me that I’m about to enter the world wide obsessiverse. He congenially explains that I’ll be taken through a three step process. That’s it, three steps. The voice is smiling warmly at me and begins to explain what DSL is.

Apparently, I need to apply DSL filters to my phone jacks because there are these red, squiggly snakes that travel along the telephone lines. The filters keep the snakes from crawling into my ear while I’m talking to someone on the phone, but it lets them go up the other cable into my computer, where they presumably run all the machines on the inside.

Gideon, as I like to think of the voice now, explains all this to me in a reassuring manner. I curl up on the couch and click Next. Gideon gives me several simple instructions on what to do with the snake filters. He breaks each step down to the point of painstaking obviousness. His voice is rolling its eyes at me, aware that I’m smarter than this but he needs to say it for all the morons out there. “I love you,” I say at the monitor and click Next..

“Step One complete,” Gideon enthuses. “Good job! I knew you could do it... I love you, too. Click Next to continue.”

Time to check the modem. I plug in all the cables into their respective slots exactly the way Gideon tells me to. Next, I’m told to wait while he tests my connection. It may take several minutes.

Several? More like a billion! I’ve been waiting forever while the Trivial Pursuit pie piece on my screen twirls and twirls around. I go upstairs to take a shower and come back. Nothing. What the fucking fuck is taking so long? Gideon told me in the beginning that the whole DSL installation process wasn’t going to take any more than an hour to complete. It’s been almost two! What a liar. And where did he even go? I haven’t heard anything from him in ages. He’s just one of those love ‘em and leave ‘em types, I guess. Asshole. Seriously, what’s the-

Hang on, the CD just went. Is something going to happen? Wait for it… Wait for it… Wait… for… it… Nothing. Figures. Should I leave it running while I go to bed? Should I turn everything off and on? Should I smoke some crack and say up all night staring at the rotating triangle? All right, time for drastic action…

Um… I turned off the modem and then turned it back on. And now more lights are on than before. This has to be a good thing, right? So why is that stupid pie still swirling? Argh! That’s IT! I’m closing down the installation software and trying again.

Well, that did it. Gideon sounded pissed when I resumed the installation but I was able to get through the account setup and all the rest. I don’t care, really. He meant nothing to me. We were like two ships passing in the- Ugh, I hate the sound of his voice now- All smarmy like he just found out he can crap gold nuggets. I just want to get this over with.

Wonder of wonders, I’m connected and everything worked out in the end. What’s the first thing I did? Went upstairs to read a book.

2 comments:

scully said...

Thanks for the laugh. That voice was annoying. Apparently Gideon gets around.

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