Friday

Reviews at allrecipes.com

“Oh, Jeez, this needs help. Maybe the birds will eat it. Nobody else would.” (2 stars)

Do you know what recipe she’s reviewing? Jambalaya. Why on earth would birds want to eat Jambalaya? She probably scraped some of it into her bird feeder and poisoned them all.


“Even the kids loved it, well the ones that like broccoli anyway.” (4 stars)

'The ones that like broccoli?' How many kids does she have?


“I goofed with this recipe quite a bit. Because I only had about 4 cups broccoli instead of 8, I added a couple carrots. Then I added a dash nutmeg and leftover velvetta. I added some salt, some Lawry's seasoned salt and finally some left over juice from Rotel tomatoes...that did the trick. My guests were impressed and went back for more. Oh yeah...I served it with cornbread.” (5 stars)

This isn’t a review of a recipe; it’s a completely difference recipe. She’s like, ‘Yeah, 5 stars after I changed everything.’


“After 30+ yrs marriage, I finally made a soup my husband enjoys!!!” (5 stars)

Poor old granny finally gets vindicated. Some of these reviews are so sad.


“My husband even took some of the leftovers to work the next day and he NEVER eats leftovers. Ever.” (5 stars)

I mean, like, EVER. NEVER EVER eats leftovers. He HATES the very IDEA of leftovers but this beef stroganoff changed his whole outlook on life.


“If there were a TDF (to die for) category instead of stars, this would be it!” (5 stars)

You’re right. ‘4 Cheese Bacon Burger Creamy Pasta’ is a heart attack on a plate.


“AWESOME!! Ate myself stupid!!” (5 stars)

I don’t think it was the food. What’s even worse is that 4 people even stupider than her voted this as a helpful review.


Flavorless, unless you like the taste of wallpaper paste, flour and water. (1 star)

Ouch. I could say something really dirty here… but I won’t.


“My husband thought it was store bought. I have made it several times and even my children like it.” (5 stars)

Something tasting like ‘store bought’ shouldn’t be a compliment.


“This is as hit with all 5 of my sons.” (5 stars)

Five… FIVE sons?


“I made this for my husband 3 weeks ago and he has had me make it every week since.” (5 stars)

Dude, I’d be all like: “If you like it so much, fucking go make it yourself. I hated it the first time I tasted it.”


“This is by far the best recipe for roast i have ever tried. I don’t eat leftovers but this was so good i ate the leftovers for breakfast the next day!!!” (5 stars)

I would like to stress that she ate roast beef for breakfast. If you’re not a college student or caveman, this is NOT an okay thing to do. This must be the same chick that ate herself stupid.


“Sorry but my family will not go for this one! I anticipated a yummy dinner tonight and instead I have a crock pot full of tasteless mush---must order pizza now.” (1 star)

She didn’t understand that the recipe was actually called ‘A Crock Pot Full of Tasteless Mush.’ And meanwhile, boo hoo, now your kids need to eat pizza for supper. They probably love you more because of it.


“My whole family loved it! Even my 3 year old and 8 year old who are both VERY picky eaters.” (5 stars)

If they’re giving you so much trouble, lady, you ought to just get rid of the little brats. You would not even believe how many reviews mention picky kids. If you do the math, I think it means that one out of every one child is a picky eater. All you need to say is, “Honey, if you don’t eat this, I’m giving you away to an orphanage.” That’ll learn ‘em.


“I made the recipe as written but I found it to be too bland for my taste. My wife liked it.” (4 stars)

Whoa! A dude wrote in! I wonder if he’s a stay-at-home husband. I bet his wife gives him a hard time if dinner isn’t on the table by the time she gets home from work. The poor guy is trying to get a well balanced meal together while the wife is screaming “Buy! Buy! Sell! Sell!” into her cell phone. And during dinner, he’s tries to ask whether or not he can go watch Sunday night football over at T.J.’s, but she’s in the middle of reading the Wall Street Journal and only grunts in reply. He doesn’t know whether that means ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but he doesn’t want to ask again for fear of that she’ll heave a huge sigh, throw down her napkin on the table and leaving the house for Murphy’s Pub. She won’t get home until two a.m. (not that he’s going to be getting any sleep, what with worrying about what she might be doing) reeking of Old Spice cologne and sex. She passes out on the bed next to him and he cries himself to sleep. Poor, poor guy.

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