Saturday Night: "In Which Amy Attempts to Sneak Into a Party, but Goes About It in Completely the Wrong Manner"

There’s a party somewhere on the hill; I can hear the music. There’s a garage band covering Justin Timberlake, Lenny Kravitz and Puddle of Mudd. Offended that I wasn’t invited, I decide to crash the party. Dressing all in black, I shift myself in commando mode and head out to conduct some recon. I stealthily move through my backyard, up and over the garden and then through the brush into my neighbor’s property. I stay in the shadows of the sumac trees, crawling on my stomach. I can see the party three houses below from this vantage point. I wish I had thought to bring my night vision goggles. I wish I owned a pair of night vision goggles.

There are roughly 30 people in the driveway, dancing and waving colored lights. It’s the Funari’s place. This is going to be tough. I used to be best friends with one of their daughters, but the friendship inexplicably ended with the finish of high school. I was planning on sneaking right up to the party, materializing from the brush and tripping out the party goers (“Like, whoa. Where did she come from?”). I’d then grab a beer and join the head banging. Now, this option is no longer available to me because I would inevitably be seen by one of the Funari’s, who would tell their daughter how glad they are that she no longer socializes with a Rambo-wannabe.

Nevermind. I crawl further. The moon is shining a bit and I need stay in the moon shadows. There’s a nice patch of shade under a tree and I roll down the hill into it. Once I stop, my head is spinning and I can’t see straight. Dammit! I should have kept my eyes closed! Gripping the tree trunk, I steady myself. Finally I feel well enough to move again. There’s only one house now between the party and myself. I’ll have to pass pretty close to this house- in fact, right though their driveway. I crawl steadily and I wonder: “Do these people own a dog?” I guess I’ll find out soon enough. I make it to the end of the drive but- crap! I think someone saw me!

I run all the way home.

By the time I made it to my front door, panting, I think about how stupid I am. The people who I thought saw me were standing in the light. There’s no way they could have seen me in the darkness. It’s like a police lineup, they can’t see anything.

Now I’m at my desk and through the window I can hear the band playing Bon Jovi. I can also hear the crowd (more people must have arrived) singing along. “Whoooa, we’re half way the-re, Whooaa-OOOO, livin’ on a pray-er, take my hand, we’ll make it I swe-ar.”

With that classic over, what can everyone be screaming about now? Ah… Def Leopard’s “Pour some sugar on me.” I’m hot, sticky sweet, from my head to feet, yeah… What was the allure of this song, again? Maybe I’m just being petulant because I ran away like a coward. Dammit!

Wait- The music stopped. I wonder if someone called the police? I hope so. If it’s this loud at my house, the Funari’s neighbor’s windows must have imploded by now. Ha ha ha, serves them right for throwing a party anyway. They’re just lucky I wasn’t the one that called the cops just to get back at them for… almost seeing me. Whatever.

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