Thursday

[books] The Y.P.R. B-o-t-M Club: Nicholson Baker's Checkpoint.

It has begun.

[liars] Revealed and To-Be-Revealed

Via couple helpful people, I now know that the Bushicane image that was moving around the web is bogus. I thought as much. And the home computer one is a hoax. It's actually a pretty good hoax. Now, before I post anything even mildly interesting, I'm going to check with Snopes first.

And more lies will hopefully be revealed during tonight's Kerry/Bush debate. Tune in to basically any channel at 9pm; you're bound to find it.

Monday

[books] You're fat and ugly He's just not that into you.

Believe it or not, at the time of posting, the #1 selling book at Amazon is He's Just Not That Into You : The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. Written by a some guy and a writer for Sex and the City, they take a stab at getting women to understand why they should stop obsessing over a guy that isn't that into them. Whatever that means. I can just imagine the Q/A format of the book:

---
Q: Why doesn't he call?

A: He's just not that into you.

Q: What can I do to make him like me?

A: Nothing, he's just not that into you.

Q: But-

A: No, he hates you.

Q: Should I-

A: You should try to find someone that is into you.

Q: Well, how do I-

A: Look, just stop wasting your time. Stop wasting your life, buckle down and really find a man that is into you or you're going to spend the rest of your pathetic existance alone. Like, completely alone.

Q: [sob]
---

I don't see why people need books like this. I really don't. If you've been chasing a man who's not that into you for more than, say, a year and nothing's happened and you need to go out and get this book to figure out that you need to move on with your life, then that's just... Let me lay the blame where it really belongs: men. Chances are, if you've been strung along for that long, thinking something might happen, then it's the man's fault for stringing you along. Right? Yeah, that sounds better. It's all his fault. I feel better.

Thursday

[books] Anne Rice shoves back, gets shoved harder

Anne Rice slams back at her reviews at Amazon (scroll down to her review of Blood Canticle). I can totally understand her outrage at people saying nasty things but for her to fire back with "the sheer outrageous stupidity of many things you've said here that actually touches my proletarian and Democratic soul" and "your stupid arrogant assumptions about me and what I am doing are slander. And you have used this site as if it were a public urinal to publish falsehood and lies" just makes her look like an asshole. And it's like pouring gasoline on a fire since nearly all the reviews after are even more nasty:

"I can almost picture you at your keyboard, cackling "I'll show them!" between sips of Merlot and tears of impotent rage as you haul out the big game verbiage to slay the beasts who dare rise against you. But you see, it all explodes in your face and you are left looking pathetic and washed up, an aging icon pining for the glory days when everyone kissed your feet and thanked you for the honor, when every syllable that dropped out of your mouth was slurped up like manna by the masses starving for what only you in your singular brilliance could provide."

Ouch.

UPDATE

The pain continues in cartoon format.

[via Bookslut via some guy named Jeremy]

UPDATE II

I think she deleted her review... I can't find it anymore... Maybe she came down off her meds and wised up?

UPDATE III

A cached copy of her review can be found here. Also, the address she listed at the bottom, for people to send her their books and get their money back (like she offered), goes to her old house. Everyone that took her up on her offer got their books back in the mail with a "return to sender" stamp on them. Ann Rice is so, so, so not cool.

Tuesday

[books] Shitty Book Comprehensive #2

TARGET: How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

BY: Adam Quan

PREMISE: Written by an Asian with Asian men in mind within the context of a western society. Provided inside are the knowledge, framework and tools necessary for an Asian man to understand, to plan and to put into action the steps to successfully date a white woman. This step-by-step guide includes planning, relationship management and is an easy to read and easy to understand manual. The guidelines presented will help you pursue and succeed with that white woman you are after.

Survey SAYS:

"Being asian, white women automatically assume I have an abnormally small penis. While dead on, this stereotype makes dating difficult... This book has made me realize that I can get a woman to love me for more than my math skills." - Tai Ni Wang

“Chapter 14 'Where to find the white women' or someting like that, helped me find my white women in a nearby housing center for women. She is beautiful, with long face, and has many nice paintings on her body.” - Wong Laundry & Bail Bonds

“I am proud that book tell me how to decieve to get boom boom from white woman without going to street corner and giving $50 bill to woman that missing teeth and smell like wet dog.” - M. Nguyen

“Quan's methods and principle can be applied to any race of man. I'm an extremely fat 45-year-old computer programmer... After I read just 14 pages I was already bagging soccer moms whom I found at my local laundry mat. This after almost 10 years of hopeless celibacy. Not long after I finished the book I was able to step up my game to include 'Grade-A' Wal-mart white meat.” – R. Olds

"I like my women as I like my rice: white, hot and boiled! thats why i loved this cook book." - asian canibal

"my mistake, i originally bought this thinking it was 'how to drug a white woman.' but it turned out to be helpful anyway." nondescriptboy

"Why didn't you write this book sooner Adam Quan you selfish SOB! Do you know how many nights I spent wacking off to Kathy Lee Gifford, Celine Dion, and Barbara Walters?" - Asian Invasion

"I promptly finished the book and before I knew it, I had white women all over me, even the red headed ones with freckles everywhere. Not only had I lost my virginity, I had so much sex I thought I had caught an std." - golden boy

SCORE: 5 pieces of poop. The fact that a book like this could even be published annoys me, but the stellar 5-star reviews are worth it.

[books] You should be dancing reading

John Travolta's autobiography will be out in 2006. I can't wait. I'm guessing it'll be called Dyanetics II or Battlefield Earth and Other Mistakes I've Made in the Name of Scientology... Whatever. Did you see him in The Punisher? How come Johnny T can only play bad guys after joining the [pre-Kaballah] Hollywood A-List cult? Hmmmm.

[news] 7 miles to the gallon

A gallon of diesel that is. There a new truck targeted at "image-conscious contractors, roofers, landscapers and other small-business owners who can use the towing power but also want to draw attention to themselves." It's like a sporty Mac truck. Stupid... At this rate, we'll destroy the earth and all it's natural resources 80% sooner.

Wednesday

[alcohol] Two in One

While Y.P.R. is currently partaking in a "Rosh Hashanah Head Rush", they've posted loads of old pieces to enjoy. Please read Dear Red Bull and giggle uncontrollably like I did. I just hope that the new Red Bull drink comes with warnings on it, like: "You will do STUPID THINGS on this drink!" "You won't puke but you'll wish you could!" "Say BYE BYE to REASON!" ... etc, etc.

Monday

[news] The Bad and the Good

In the morning, I usually abide by the following routine: The alarm goes off at 6:00 am and I hit a seven minute snooze button for about an hour. This morning, after the radio came on for the third or fourth time, I awoke to the following news: The announcer first said that the Federal ban on assault rifles has expired. This means that the average American citizen can go out and buy AK-47s, Uzis and TEC-9s. Machine guns available to anyone, the thought of which made my eyes pop open at stare at my ceiling in fear. I imagined children running up and down the street outside my apartment, gleefully firing off rounds into the sky. Next, the announcer said that apple picking season has arrived a week to ten days early this year because of all the rain we’ve gotten this summer. I relaxed into bed again and thought about huge, crisp McIntosh apples. Yum. Apple pie. Mmmm, I should try to make one this year. I can buy an Uzi and shoot all the apples I want out of a tree. Ahhhhh…

Friday

[books] Boo!

BTW was their Halloween 2004 Top Ten Book Sense Picks. Besides all the ones for kids ("Poor spider! She just wants to be a family pet..." "...a gentle story about friendly ghosts..." "..a wonderful message about the value of being generous and open-minded.") there are a couple that sound good. Like A Carnivore's Inquiry by Sabina Murray. The reviewer says, "This utterly fascinating, modern Gothic novel with a twist centers around 23-year-old Katherine, who has an eerie fascination with cannibalism and violence. Providing small historical vignettes, Murray highlights some of the most horrifying aspects of human nature. The conclusion will haunt you long after the final page." ... I- I have to find out more. I went to Amazon and read the summary; it was like reading about my own life and interests: "...she describes the way she picks up hapless author Boris Naryshkin on the Manhattan subway, coolly manipulates and moves in with him, drains him of money and sleeps with other men. Katherine's lack of conscience and absence of affect obviously go beyond neurotic and into psychotic territory... mother's insanity... unstable personality... fascination with cannibalism... increasingly sinister... deranged woman's obsession..." The reviews are only so-so, but obviously some people couldn't relate to the story. Pssshht, whatever.

The other one was The Night Country by Stewart O'Nan. The reviewer writes, "O'Nan's novel covers the days leading up to the one-year anniversary of a tragic accident in which three teenagers died on Halloween. The three survivors of that auto crash are as haunted by the accident as the three ghosts are haunting. An old-fashioned ghost story with a new twist!" The three- okay, it's the three year- and the three ghosts- the three... haunting... What? The hardcover is currently 60% off over at Amazon.

Thursday

[books] Shitty Book Comprehensive #1

TARGET: Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose

BY: Paris Hilton (Ha ha ha, not really. It was actually written by a ghostwriter because the publishing house didn’t accept her incoherent crayon scribbles on a bunch on cocktail napkins.)

PREMISE: In her fabulous and very tongue-in-cheek -- and chic -- guide, you'll discover Paris's twenty-three rules for How to Be an Heiress (Never have only one cell phone when you can have many), Paris's list of Twelve Things an Heiress Would Never Do (Go out the night after the Oscars), and Three Things Most People Think Heiresses Shouldn't Do, But I Think They Should (Go out with broke guys). Paris also shares private information such as her memories of growing up with her sister, Nicky, and family photos; her favorite designers and her unique beauty secrets; what a night out with Paris is like; her personal gallery of fashion don'ts; and behind-the-scenes stories from both installments of her hit television series, The Simple Life. Of course no book by Paris would be complete without her pet teacup Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, and in these pages, the best-dressed dog in the world shares pages from her own secret diary.

Survey SAYS:

“Not only is education and literacy in this country at a new time low, but publishers have decided to prove that any old novel now a days can be published.” – Literature Falcon

“One of the worst books that have ever been. A huge blow to literary medium as a whole.” - Y. Vestel

“Whether this book is good, well, I couldn't tell you, I don't consider myself wise enough to judge for another person as I have enough trouble forming my own judgements. But, I will say: Will you marry me Paris Hilton? I would love not to have to work another day in my life and just well, feed off the capitalistic consumers that make these corporate pompous lives possible.” - Michael J. Szymczyk

“Question: When did Amazon start selling kitty litter?” – GRS

“Don't buy this book. If you do, you are just feeding into her wallet and her ego. Save your money for something usefull, like toilet paper.” – Tony Montana

“I got the sense that Paris really wanted to give the audience a sense that she has some depth behind the party girl...but my impression was the 'depth' had the quivalent of a bird bath in August!” – C. K. Ogi

“Keep eating fast food, drinking soda, partying until 3:00 am, acting ditzy, and sleeping in your makeup for that "dewy" look. I will see you when you are 40 and will see how glam you are then! Can't wait!” – Veronica Sanders

SCORE: 3 pieces of dog poop. Tinkerbell's dog poop.

Tuesday

[funny] Like, REALLY funny.

Spiderman reviews crayons: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. ... I didn't know Spiderman was so funny.

[duuuh] Killy duh brain cells.

It’s been a week since my last posting. Since that time, I’ve managed to consume… Okay, imagine the big fish tank that Shamoo the killer whale swims around in at Sea World. Imagine it was filled with beer and vodka and vanilla vodka and tequila and… ugh. Now, imagine I drank it all. YOU DON’T HAVE TO IMAGINE BECAUSE I DID! Ooooo, no more yelly yelling. Okay.

I will say that in the past week, I’ve laid waste to several small villages, put my feet in my mouth so many times that I decided to (a) just leave them there and (b) take up yoga again. I think I vaguely remember pushing an old lady and her walker to the ground, too. I don’t remember anything specific that I said to people, but it must have been a truck-load of lies because I’m getting all kinds of calls to my home about “how to resolve the current situation in Albania, Miss President.” Hmm…

So forget reading, man. The words would just be swimming around before my watering, bloodshot eyes. I did finish Perfume a while ago and it was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I’ve been reading small portions of Diary of a Teenage Girl since. I particularly like the novel and comics format of the book. The story has been pretty interesting so far (teenage girl sleeping with her mother’s boyfriend) and everyone I talk to who had read it loved it.

Mostly in the time that I’ve been hungover recuperating from severe dehydration, I’ve been watching Invader Zim. I knew Jhonen Vasques (Squee, JtHM) had created a cartoon for Nickelodeon a long time ago and that said cartoon subsequently got canceled, but I had so idea it was this funny. I haven’t laughed this hard at a television show since… since… I remember laughing a lot during the first season of The Shield, but my reaction was classified as “inappropriate” for some reason (i.e. people get freaked out when you find violence hilarious). Eh, but inappropriate laughing seems to fit well with Zim. It’s great. And I can identify with the I-will-destroy/rule-the-world megalomania.