Thursday

Extreme Beer Tasting

Unibroue: La Fin du Monde

La Fin du Monde, literally “The End of the World”, is 9% alcohol by volume beer that undergoes a triple fermentation process, literally “fermented three times”. What does this mean? It means this beer is going to kick your ass, spank you and call you names. Unibroue, pronounced “unibrow”, is a Canadian company. They brew and bottle their beer in Chambly, Quebec. Quebec is that French-speaking province that wanted to secede from Canada a while ago. All I know about Quebecians… Québécoise… the people of Quebec is that they drive too fucking fast through my state. And I hate the fact that when you get to northern Vermont, the mileage signs on the side of the interstate start showing distances in miles and kilometers. Barton 12 mi (18km). Fuck you! When you’re in the US you leave your dirty fucking metric system at the border!

Let’s see, I’ve had 3 sips of this beer and I wanna fight. This is some good beer. It tastes a little bitter, but maybe that’s because it’s not ice cold. The bottle tells me that “the excellence of triple fermentation through a blend of special yeasts gives this malt beverage LA FIN DU MONDE an exquisitely robust flavor of exceptional refinement.” There are some pictures on the bottle: a close up of hops that looks like peanut/corn nut party mix, an image of a fat bottomed proper beer glass and a tall slender one with a red “x” though it, and a tilted bottle showing a bunch of gunk at the bottle of the bottle . They call this gunk “refer-mented on yeast base.” Refer… mented? Please tell me they only wrote this to have “refer” printed on the label.

The central image that the words “LA FIN DU MONDE” wrap around is a topographic picture of Quebec, complete with a glowy halo surrounding the province and all surrounding area receding into darkness. Unibroue is trying to say “Quebec=good” and everywhere else sucks and is evil.

“This ‘liquid gold’, with its wild spices and incomparable flavour so precious to ancient explorers, could only be brewed in the high lands of America. Travelers of old, it was said, would gladly go to the end of the world to reach La Fin du Monde!” So says the box. First of all, I don’t taste no wild spices. True, it doesn’t taste like ordinary beer (which is probably why the room is spinning) but I don’t think it’s particularly ‘spicy’. Second of all, and I’m going to be U.S.-centric here, I never thought of Canada, or Mexico for that matter, as being in America. Yes, yes, we’re all in “North America”, but Canadians live in Canada (unless you’re French-Canadian), Mexicans live in Mexico and Americans live in the America. We’re all human and I love everyone, I love you man, but I don’t want no Quebecers calling themselves “American”. I’m done. I’m sorry. [sob] I take it all back. I love you all. I don’t want to behave in that “I rule the fucking world cuz I’m an American” fucking manner. That’s, like, why Americans suck. I’m sorrrryyyyy!!

Unibroue: Don de Dieu

[Belch] Fuck me. I don’t know if I can handle another beer after LA FIN DU MONDE. Seriously.

Okay, I’ve just made supper and put it in the oven. I feel a little better now. This Don de Dieu has a pretty picture of a big golden ship sitting in violet waters with rays of sunlight braking through storm clouds in the background. There are loads of men on the ship (Spaniards? French?) and a slew of canoes with Indians paddling up to the side. One of the Spaniards is… pulling one of the Indians up onto the ship. Or maybe receiving a gift from him. I don’t know. The Indians are all wearing feather head-dresses and thongs. Interesting. The Europeans are probably transmitting a virus to the Native Americans that’s going to wipe them out within weeks. It says here that “the Don de Dieu in Tadoussac, June 3, 1608, under the command of Samuel de Champlain de Brouge, commissioned by the King of France to pursue, by way of the great Canadian waterway, the exploration of this vast and inhospitable land called America.” What? There were way too many commas in there. I have to read it again because it’s not making any sense to me. … … Oh okay, I get it now. So-and-so, under the commission of this guy, ordered by that guy, was told to rape and pillage his way across the New World.

“In spite of a higher alcohol content, Don de Dieu is a surprisingly light-tasting beer with a delicious ‘spices’n fruit’ flavour that gets better with every mouthful.” That sounds dirty. I also just noticed that they’re spelling their English in a British manner. I say, the favour of their beer is most pleasing. What say we go down to the theatre at Piccadilly Centre and catch a humourous film? Jolly good idea.

This beer is also 9% alcohol by volume and is bottle refermented. I actually like the taste of this DON DU DIEU beer better than LA FIN DU MONDE. It’s more mellow, not as bitter, but still has a Belgian quality to it. The bottle says that Unibroue is imported by Unibroue USA INC. in Shelburne, Vermont. Shelburne… I think I’ve been there. I think it’s near Stowe? Maybe Ben & Jerry’s is in Shelburne? I know there’s a museum in Shelburne because I hear about it on the radio all the time.

Okay, so [belch] don’t cook while you’re drinking Unibroue beer. Don’t operate heavy machinery. Don’t do anything other than sit quietly in a chair. I’ve just checked on my supper and succeeded in burning off by right index finger. But hey, it’s time to eat.

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